Compassion is helping carry a load. Supporting people walking through the process of dying enables them to take this final journey with dignity and meaning. This ensures we all get the healthy closure that only comes from a good death.
Getting support
It’s extremely important those with a terminal illness have the medical support they need through their doctor, specialist, and palliative care team. But it’s just as important to have support from a main carer, family and close friends. The road ahead will require a team approach, and often even the support team needs a support team of their own.
A number of organisations within New Zealand are set up specifically to help along the way. Some of these include:
Hospice NZ, The Cancer Foundation, The Heart Foundation, and Palliative Care Nurses New Zealand.
It’s important to find out what type of support role you can play to help.
Practical support ideas
As a supporter, some of the ways you can help lighten the load is through doing odd jobs and errands – mow the lawn, do the shopping, walk the dog or pick up the kids. Anything that eases the workload of the main carer.
Prepare meals – check with the palliative care team or main carer to get dietary advice, then help ensure food is on hand.
Sort out paperwork – for many, getting their affairs in order can help people find closure. Whether it’s helping gather important documents, or arranging legal advice, this can ease a burden.
Physical support – assist with toileting or help with bathing, get the person out of bed or roll them regularly.
Record social media details – help the person work out which social media accounts they have and what they want to happen to these after they die. Record logins and passwords.
“There are some really scary diagnoses, things you don’t want to hear a doctor say to you, but you never know how things are going to pan out. The fear which comes from hearing something scary is fear of the unknown and you can’t really make a decision that the rest of your life is not going to be worth living when you haven’t finished living it yet.”
Emotional support ideas
A terminal diagnosis may create a crisis situation for family and friends and how everyone responds may depend on their relationship with the person and their own beliefs about death.
While we often think the person themselves won't want to talk about dying, most often they want to. Listening well and asking good questions helps in this process.
Listen well – The person may want to talk about dying, their fears or plans. Try not to prompt an answer that confirms what you think, or your hope that things could be better.
Be normal – try and treat the person as normal as possible, chat about what’s happening in your life. This makes it clear they are still part of your life.
Feeling blockers – avoid talking overly optimistic, such as saying “You’ll be up in no time”, as it blocks the possibility of discussing how they are really feeling.
Be present – just be there. You don’t need to talk all the time. Sometimes it’s the companionship that’s most appreciated.
Reflect – encourage them to talk about their life if they’re able to and interested.
Grace – allow the person to express anger or sadness, it’s a natural response to the distressing situation.
Prayer – even if they’ve shown no religious interest in the past that could change as death approaches. If you are a person of faith yourself you could offer to pray together, or you could arrange a relevant chaplain or minister to pray or attend to their other spiritual needs.
As death approaches – the last conversations
Preparing to say goodbye is hard. But it’s not something that should be left late. And it’s something that can tremendously help the grieving process.
Deal with regrets by saying “please forgive me”. When you are preparing to say a final goodbye you may be bothered by regrets about hurtful words or actions or ways you may have disappointed the dying person. Clear the air and ask for forgiveness for your actions.
Free yourself of hard feelings by saying “I forgive you”. If you ask the person for forgiveness, they may return the gesture. Saying “I forgive you” can seal the exchange. Don’t be disappointed if they don’t know how to respond – due to defensiveness, a lack of understanding or some other reasons the person may not be ready to acknowledge the hurt in your relationship. You can still forgive the person in your mind and heart.
Appreciate the person’s legacy by saying “thank you”. Let the person know how they have touched your life and their lasting significance for you.
“I love you”. Say it often and freely.
As the person is nearing death it’s important to end each conversation in a way that will be okay if it’s the last time you speak. Your goodbyes don’t need to be mushy – just say it in a way that lets the person know they will always be important to you.
If it is your final farewell, remind the person of what they mean to you. It may be emotional. Say what needs to be said.
This resource from the Canadian Virtual Hospice team offers some excellent further insights if you’d like to learn more about this topic.
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